Conflict Management

How to Argue: Resolving Your Most Emotionally-Charged Conflicts

The Challenge: Why We Struggle with Conflict

Many of us feel uncomfortable around conflict. We often find ourselves in frustrating, aggravating arguments that feel non-negotiable, especially when it comes to politics. Our society has fallen into a "tribal trap," where we refuse to credit the "other side" and focus only on proving ourselves right.

The problem isn't what we argue about; the problem is how we argue. Conflict can be useful, but we need to learn how to engage with it effectively. To do this, we must overcome three major barriers: Identity, Appreciation, and Affiliation.

The Three Pillars of Effective Conflict Resolution

1. Identity: Know Who You Are

The Barrier: We get emotional in conflicts because our core identity feels threatened. When our values and beliefs are challenged, the argument becomes personal. Our pride and sense of self are suddenly on the line, turning a simple disagreement into an emotional battle.

How to Overcome It:

Understand Your Core: Before engaging, take time to understand your own identity. What are the core values and beliefs that are driving you to take this stance?
Stay Balanced: The more you understand who you are and what you stand for, the easier it is to stay balanced when others challenge your views. Knowing your purpose allows you to engage without feeling personally attacked.

2. Appreciation: See the Value in Their View

The Barrier: In a conflict, each side wants to feel heard and valued, yet the last thing we want to do is appreciate the other side. This creates a stalemate where no one feels understood.

How to Overcome It:

Listen First, Talk Later: Dedicate the first 10 minutes of a difficult conversation to consciously listening. Do not interrupt or formulate your rebuttal.
Search for Their "Why": Try to understand the logic and rationale behind their perspective. What values or experiences lead them to believe what they do about immigration or healthcare?
Acknowledge and Validate: Once you genuinely see the value in their perspective, let them know. Simple phrases like, "I hear where you're coming from," or "That makes sense," are incredibly powerful. There is nothing more validating than feeling truly heard and appreciated.

3. Affiliation: Build a Bridge, Not a Wall

The Barrier: We typically approach conflicts as "me versus you." It's my opinion versus yours, my party versus yours. This adversarial stance is like two rams butting heads—it leads nowhere.

How to Overcome It:

Find Common Ground: Shift the dynamic from an adversary to a partner. The goal is to reframe the situation from "me versus you" to "the two of us facing a shared problem."
Ask for Their Advice: Change the nature of the conversation by inviting collaboration. Ask, "What's your advice on how we can get as many of our interests met at the same time?"
Turn an Adversary into a Partner: By working together on a shared issue, you build an emotional connection (affiliation) that makes finding a resolution possible.

A Call to Action: Start a Positive Revolution

By putting these three principles—Identity, Appreciation, and Affiliation—into practice, you can transform your relationships and your most difficult conversations.

Imagine what would happen if we started a positive revolution of greater understanding, appreciation, and connection. We could transform our politics, our communities, and ultimately our world. It all starts with each one of us choosing to change how we argue.

Beyond Winning: A Framework for Wise Negotiation

The True Goal of Negotiation

Negotiation isn't about splitting things 50/50 or insisting on your way. It is not a battle to be won or lost. If you find yourself asking, "Who is winning?" you have already lost the plot.

True negotiation is about understanding the underlying needs of all parties to find a creative, practical solution that leaves everyone satisfied and preserves the relationship.

Example: The Library Window. Two men argue in a library. One wants the window open for fresh air; the other wants it closed to stop his papers from blowing around. A simple compromise (leaving it half open) satisfies neither. The librarian, understanding their true interests, opens a window in another room. This brings in fresh air without creating a draft, leaving both men happy.

A Four-Step Framework for Masterful Negotiation

Step 1: Focus on Interests, Not Positions

People often get stuck on their stated positions (what they say they want) instead of their underlying interests (why they want it).

The Problem: Positions are often rigid and conflicting (e.g., "The window must be open!" vs. "The window must be closed!"). Interests, however, can often be reconciled.
How to Do It:
- Ask "Why?": To uncover the other side's interests, simply ask why they want what they want. Try to see the problem from their point of view.
- Acknowledge Their Interests: People listen better when they feel understood. Show that you understand their needs before you explain your own.
- Communicate Your Interests: Clearly explain your own underlying interests. The other side might not be aware of them.

Step 2: Use Fair, Objective Standards

When interests clash, don't resort to a battle of wills. Instead, ground the discussion in objective criteria that both parties can agree are fair.

The Problem: Arguing back and forth ("I want higher rent!" vs. "I want lower rent!") leads to a stalemate.
How to Do It:
- Insist on Objective Criteria: Use external, unbiased standards like market prices, legal requirements, expert opinions, or company policy.
- Frame it as a Shared Search: Instead of making demands, say, "Let's figure out what a fair price would be. What standards should we use?" This shifts the focus from what you want to what the rules or the data says.
- Example: The Cake. Two people can't agree on how to divide a cake fairly. The solution? One person cuts the cake, and the other gets to choose their piece first. This fair standard ensures the person cutting will make the split as even as possible.

Step 3: Invent Options for Mutual Gain

Resist the urge to lock onto a single solution. Spend time brainstorming a wide range of possibilities that could benefit both parties. Differences between parties are not obstacles; they are often the key to creative solutions.

The Problem: We often assume a "fixed pie," where one side's gain is the other's loss.
How to Do It:
- Brainstorm First, Decide Later: Hold a creative session to generate as many ideas as possible without judgment or criticism.
- Look for Shared Interests: Find where your goals and their goals overlap.
- Capitalize on Differences: If one person values one thing and the other values something else, you can trade items of low cost to you for items of high value to them.
- Example: The Orange. Two kids argue over an orange. A parent cuts it 50/50. One kid eats the fruit and discards the peel; the other uses the peel for baking and throws away the fruit. If the parent had first asked why they wanted the orange, both could have gotten 100% of what they needed.

Step 4: Separate the People from the Problem

Negotiators are people first, with egos, emotions, and different perspectives. It's crucial to address the substantive problem without damaging the relationship. The goal is to be soft on the person, hard on the problem.

The Problem: We often get hard on the problem and the person, destroying the relationship. Or, to preserve the relationship, we get soft on the problem and don't get what we need.
How to Do It:
- Build a Relationship: Arrive early for a chat or stay afterward. Getting to know the other side as people makes negotiation significantly smoother and more successful.
- Address "People Problems" Directly: Acknowledge their emotions and perceptions. "I can see why you might feel that way."
- Listen Actively: Understand their viewpoint, even if you don't agree with it.
- Focus on the Issue: Frame disagreements as a shared challenge to be overcome, not a personal battle.

Handling Difficult Situations

What if they use dirty tactics (e.g., "good cop/bad cop")?

Recognize and name the tactic calmly. "It seems like you and Ted are playing good cop/bad cop. If you need a moment to get on the same page, just ask." This neutralizes the tactic without being accusatory.

What if they are more powerful?

Develop your BATNA (Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement). Your power comes from your ability to walk away. Before you negotiate, know exactly what you will do if you can't reach an agreement. Walking into an interview with two other job offers gives you far more power than walking in with none.

What if they attack you personally?

Use "Negotiation Jujitsu." Don't defend yourself or push back—that just leads to a stalemate.
- Don't Reject, Inquire: When they state a hard position, don't oppose it. Ask them to explain the interests behind it. "Why is that important to you?"
- Ask for Their Advice: If they criticize your ideas, ask, "What would you do in my position?" This puts them in your shoes.
- Invite Criticism: Instead of defending your ideas, ask what's wrong with them. This helps you understand their interests and refine your proposal.

The Final Word: Who's Winning?

In 1964, a man watched an American father and son playing with a Frisbee in a London park. Intrigued, he approached them and asked, "I've been watching you for 15 minutes. Who's winning?"

In negotiation, as in playing Frisbee, asking "who's winning" misses the entire point. The goal isn't to beat the other side; it's to work together to create a wise and satisfying solution for everyone involved.

Conflict Management 101 - for Formation Resource (Click here)

Structured approach to conflict resolution a guide

Applying these principles will require wisdom, discernment, and prayer.

I. Foundational Principles:

Love (1 Corinthians 13:4-7; John 13:34-35):

Love is the bedrock of conflict resolution. It's patient, kind, doesn't envy, doesn't boast, isn't proud, isn't rude, isn't self-seeking, isn't easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs, doesn't delight in evil but rejoices with the truth, always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Reflection Questions:

In this conflict, how can I demonstrate patience and kindness towards the other person?

Am I acting out of genuine care for the other person's well-being, or am I focused on my own needs and desires?

How can I ensure my words and actions are rooted in love, even if I disagree strongly?

Humility (Matthew 7:3-5; Philippians 2:3-4):

Recognize your own potential contribution to the conflict and prioritize others' interests. Avoid being judgmental and focus on your own shortcomings.

Reflection Questions:

What role might I have played in this conflict, even unintentionally?

Am I more focused on the other person's faults or my own?

How can I approach this situation with a spirit of humility, valuing the other person's perspective?

Truthfulness (Ephesians 4:15; Proverbs 16:28; Ephesians 4:29):

Speak the truth honestly and directly, but always with love. Avoid gossip, slander, and harmful language.

Reflection Questions:

Am I being completely honest about my feelings and perspective?

Are my words building up or tearing down the other person and the situation?

How can I communicate the truth in a way that is both clear and loving?

Forgiveness (Colossians 3:13; Ephesians 4:32):

Be willing to pardon offenses and release bitterness. Forgiveness is a choice that frees you and opens the door for reconciliation.

Reflection Questions:

Am I holding onto resentment or past hurts related to this conflict?

What would it look like for me to extend forgiveness in this situation, even if the other person hasn't asked for it?

How can I remember the forgiveness I've received from God and let that motivate me to forgive others?

Patience (James 1:19):

Be slow to anger and quick to listen. Allow time to understand the situation fully before reacting.

Reflection Questions:

Am I reacting impulsively, or am I taking time to process the situation?

How can I actively listen to the other person without interrupting or formulating my response while they're speaking?

What steps can I take to remain calm and composed during this discussion?

Peacemaking (Matthew 5:9; Romans 12:18):

Actively work towards reconciliation and unity. Your goal should be to restore the relationship, not to "win" the argument.

Reflection Questions:

Is my primary goal to be right, or to find a peaceful resolution?

What steps can I take to de-escalate the conflict and create an environment conducive to peace?

How can I focus on common ground and shared goals rather than just the points of disagreement?

II. Steps for Resolving Conflict (Based on Matthew 18:15-17):

Go Directly to the Person (Matthew 18:15):

Address the issue privately and directly with the individual involved.

Reflection Questions:

Have I spoken directly to the person about my concerns, or have I talked to others about it first?

What is the most loving and respectful way to initiate this conversation?

What is my desired outcome for this private conversation?

Take One or Two Others (Matthew 18:16):

If the first step fails, involve wise and impartial individuals as witnesses or mediators.

Reflection Questions:

Have I prayerfully considered who might be helpful as a neutral third party?

What qualities should I look for in someone who can help mediate this situation?

How can I ensure that the third party facilitates understanding rather than taking sides?

Tell It to the Church (Matthew 18:17a):

As a last resort, bring the unresolved conflict before the church leadership or community for guidance and accountability.

Reflection Questions:

Have I exhausted all other avenues for private or small-group resolution?

What are my expectations and hopes in bringing this before the church?

How can I present the situation with humility and a desire for the church's wisdom?

Treat Them as an Outsider (Matthew 18:17b):

This is a serious step for unrepentant individuals who refuse reconciliation even after the church's involvement.

Reflection Questions:

Am I at a point where the relationship is causing significant harm or division?

Have I truly done everything possible to pursue reconciliation before considering this step?

How can I maintain a Christ-like attitude even in this difficult situation, continuing to pray for their repentance and restoration?

III. Other Relevant Biblical Principles and Passages:

Take the Initiative (Matthew 5:23-24):

Don't wait for the other person to make the first move towards reconciliation.

Reflection Questions:

Am I waiting for the other person to apologize or reach out, even if I have contributed to the conflict?

What small step can I take today to initiate a conversation or show a willingness to reconcile?

Confess Your Part (Matthew 7:3-5):

Humbly acknowledge your own contribution to the conflict.

Reflection Questions:

What specific actions or words of mine might have contributed to this conflict?

Am I willing to admit my mistakes and apologize for them?

Listen Actively (James 1:19):

Be quick to hear and slow to speak. Truly try to understand the other person's perspective.

Reflection Questions:

Am I truly listening to understand, or am I just waiting for my turn to speak?

Can I summarize the other person's point of view to ensure I understand it correctly?

Seek Wisdom and Guidance (James 1:5):

Pray for discernment in how to handle the conflict.

Reflection Questions:

Have I prayed specifically for wisdom and guidance regarding this conflict?

Are there wise and godly individuals I can seek counsel from?

Overlook Minor Offenses (1 Peter 4:8; Proverbs 19:11):

Love covers a multitude of sins. Not every offense needs to be addressed.

Reflection Questions:

Is this conflict about a truly significant issue, or could it be a minor offense that I can overlook in love?

Am I holding onto small grievances that are hindering reconciliation?

Don't Seek Revenge (Romans 12:19-21):

Leave room for God's justice and focus on overcoming evil with good.

Reflection Questions:

Am I harboring thoughts of revenge or wanting the other person to suffer?

How can I respond to this conflict in a way that reflects God's love and grace?

Pursue Peace (Romans 14:19; Hebrews 12:14):

Actively work towards solutions that promote harmony and unity.

Reflection Questions:

What concrete steps can I take to de-escalate the conflict and move towards a peaceful resolution?

Am I willing to compromise or find a middle ground?

Guard Your Heart (Ephesians 4:31):

Avoid bitterness, wrath, anger, and malice.

Reflection Questions:

What negative emotions am I allowing to take root in my heart regarding this conflict?

What steps can I take to protect my heart and mind from bitterness and anger?

7 Steps to Conflict Resolution

I. Acknowledge and Address the Conflict (Matthew 18:15)

Biblical Principle: Jesus instructs us to go directly to the person with whom we have a conflict. Avoiding or gossiping about the issue hinders resolution.
Reference: Matthew 18:15 - "If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother."

Personal Reflection Questions:
- Have I acknowledged the conflict internally and with God?
- Am I tempted to avoid this person or talk about them to others instead of directly addressing the issue?
- What fears or anxieties do I have about approaching this person?
- Am I willing to take the first step, even if it feels uncomfortable?

II. Approach with Humility and Love (Philippians 2:3-4, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

Biblical Principle: Our attitude in approaching conflict is crucial. Humility and love should guide our words and actions. We should prioritize the other person's well-being.
References:
- Philippians 2:3-4 - "Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others."
- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (Love is patient, kind, not envious, etc.)
Personal Reflection Questions:
- Am I approaching this situation with a spirit of humility, recognizing my own potential for fault?
- Am I genuinely seeking the best for the other person, even if it means sacrificing my own preferences?
- Are my words and tone reflecting love, patience, and kindness?
- Am I willing to listen and understand their perspective without judgment?

III. Seek to Understand Their Perspective (Proverbs 18:17)

Biblical Principle: Before presenting our own viewpoint, we should actively listen and try to understand the other person's perspective. There are often two sides to every story.
Reference: Proverbs 18:17 - "The first to plead his case seems right, until another comes and examines him."
Personal Reflection Questions:
- Am I truly willing to listen and understand their point of view, even if I disagree with it?
- Am I prepared to ask clarifying questions to ensure I understand their feelings and concerns?
- Am I making assumptions about their motives or intentions?
- Can I summarize their perspective back to them to ensure I've heard them correctly?

IV. Speak the Truth in Love (Ephesians 4:15)

Biblical Principle: While we should be loving and understanding, we also have a responsibility to speak the truth about how the conflict has affected us. This should be done constructively and with care.
Reference: Ephesians 4:15 - "Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ."
Personal Reflection Questions:
- Am I being honest about my feelings and the impact of the conflict on me?
- Am I communicating my truth in a way that is respectful and considerate of the other person's feelings?
- Am I avoiding harsh or accusatory language?
- Is my goal to build understanding and find a solution, rather than to win an argument?

V. Forgive and Seek Forgiveness (Colossians 3:13, Matthew 6:14-15)

Biblical Principle: Forgiveness is central to Christian living and essential for resolving conflict. We are called to forgive others as Christ has forgiven us, and to seek forgiveness when we have wronged someone.
References:
- Colossians 3:13 - "Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."
- Matthew 6:14-15 - "For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."
Personal Reflection Questions:
- Am I holding onto resentment or bitterness towards this person?
- Am I willing to forgive them, even if they don't explicitly ask for it?
- Have I contributed to the conflict in any way? If so, am I willing to seek their forgiveness?
- What steps can I take to move towards genuine forgiveness and reconciliation?

VI. Pursue Reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5:18-20)

Biblical Principle: God has reconciled us to Himself through Christ, and we are called to be ministers of reconciliation in our relationships. The goal of conflict resolution should be restoration.
Reference: 2 Corinthians 5:18-20 - "All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God."
Personal Reflection Questions:
- Is my ultimate goal to restore the relationship, if possible?
- Am I willing to compromise and find a solution that works for both parties?
- Am I open to seeking help from a trusted mediator or spiritual leader if needed?
- What practical steps can we take to rebuild trust and understanding?

VII. Entrust the Outcome to God (Romans 12:18, Proverbs 16:7)

Biblical Principle: While we are called to do our part in resolving conflict, the ultimate outcome is in God's hands. We should strive for peace but recognize that complete resolution may not always be immediate or exactly as we hope.
References:
- Romans 12:18 - "If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all."
- Proverbs 16:7 - "When a man's ways please the Lord, he makes even his enemies to be at peace with him."
Personal Reflection Questions:
- Am I trusting God with the outcome of this situation, even if it's not what I desire?
- Am I relying on my own strength and wisdom, or am I seeking God's guidance throughout this process?
- Am I willing to accept that complete reconciliation may take time or may not always be fully achieved in this life?
- How can I find peace and continue to love this person, even if the conflict isn't fully resolved to my satisfaction?

Restoring the Art of Good Arguments

Based on Bo Seo’s reflections from “Good Arguments”

1. The Crisis in Public Conversations

Today’s public discourse is stuck in a cycle of shouting without listening.
Many are convinced of their views, lacking the skills of healthy argument.
Arguments today feel defensive, instinctual, and often unproductive.

❝ The quality of our conversation has degraded because we’ve lost confidence in what disagreement can offer. ❞

2. Why Argument Skills Matter

Good arguments require practice, not just passion.
Disagreements can help us grow—if we know how to navigate them well.

3. Personal Journey: From Silence to Debate

Bo Seo, a South Korean migrant to Australia, struggled with language and chose silence to avoid conflict.
Debate transformed him—he found value in structured disagreement:
- “When one person speaks, no one else does.”
- Debate offered him a sense of dignity and clarity.

4. What Makes an Argument Productive?

Wisdom is not just in responding, but in choosing which arguments to engage with.
Disagreements can become overwhelming if they are not focused and bounded.

5. The RISA Framework – A Tool for Choosing Your Disagreements

Use RISA before engaging in disagreement:

Real

Is this disagreement based on a true difference or a misunderstanding?

Important

Does this issue matter enough to engage in it?

Specific

Is the disagreement focused enough to make progress?

Aligned

Do both sides share a common purpose for engaging in the conversation?

✅ If all four are met, proceed with the best chance of a fruitful dialogue.

6. When to Use RISA

Example: Family gatherings where political or personal issues bubble up.
RISA helps:

Start every disagreement with a clear definition of the topic.
Agree on the purpose of the conversation.
Prevent side-tracking and escalation.

7. Managing Difficult Conversations

When others go off-topic or escalate, return to the agreement:
“This is what we agreed to discuss, and this is why.”

🗣️ Make a ‘conversation contract’—a shared understanding of the topic and intent.

8. Choosing What to Challenge

Two questions to ask before pushing back:

Is resolving this disagreement necessary to move forward?
Will responding to this claim help the overall discussion?

❝ Not everything offensive needs to be challenged. Focus on what leads to progress. ❞

9. The Art of Listening in Debate

Listening is active, not passive.

Debater's Listening Skills:

Understand the opposing argument as they would.
Respond to the strongest version of their view.
Build up their case to challenge them better.

10. The ‘Side-Switch’ Exercise

Before debating:

Write the four strongest arguments for the opposing side.
View your argument through the eyes of someone who disagrees.
Imagine you’ve lost: Why did you lose?

These practices:

Encourage humility and empathy
Create space for reasonable doubt and reflection
Strengthen both conviction and compassion

11. Why This Matters – Especially Today

Debate trains us to recognize we are more than our ideologies.
In a polarized world, we need tools that expand our ability to engage humanely.

❝ Debate allows us to talk about difficult issues with more wisdom, kindness, and strength. ❞

Reflection Questions

When have I jumped into an argument without thinking it through?
Which of the RISA elements do I tend to ignore?
How can I become a better listener, especially when I strongly disagree?
What personal or community conversation would benefit from applying the side-switch method?

Quote to Remember

🧠 “To be heard, you must first listen.” – Bo Seo

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